We Live A Different Life

It was raining very hard this evening. I needed to stay long under the rain while I was waiting for my bus to go home from work. The air was cold and the wind blew hard, my umbrella couldn't help much to keep me from getting wet.... then my mind wandered to him.
September 17 wasn't the last time I talked to him. He told me that he went to Rome for a vacation and couldn't reach me. So we talked several times more after that, but our important conversation took place a few days ago.
He came and told me that he should apologize to me for whatever I think he did wrong and for whatever he didn't do to me. He wished me the best, wished that I find my man and have a beautiful life. So this was a better goodbye, right?
Today is his nikah ceremony with her. I'm imagining a party where all of the families come and have a good time. It can't be raining there.
Just a little wishes from me, "I wish you a happy marriage until you grow old together with her"

Closed Up Poppies

Don't you think that poppies are fragile and soft, yet very beautiful?

Exit Strategy: Vanish Like A Thin Air

When was the last time I had a talk with him? Hmm it was on September 17, 2009.
What was his line? He said, "I love only you". I replied, "really you do?". He assured me, "oh yes, I do".
Then he is just vanished like a thin air, no single word from him since.

What do you think when a guy did such thing? Was he out of his mind when he said that L word? And when he realized what that word really means, he suddenly felt the need to back up? Doesn't it mean that he wasn't in love with her? Big YES!

So this is the guy I was in love with.. foolishly. I couldn't even hate him a bit for dumping me in the first place by getting engaged to another girl. After a short period of silence between us (means no talking, no contact), he came back and told me that he doesn't love his fiance. He said that he doesn't want to marry her.

Once again I felt that I got my love back. He kept saying that no matter what the condition he is in now, the one he loves is me and only me. However, I am aware that something has changed. He is not as devoted as he was before, he spent less time with me... most of the time it was me who had to beg him to spend sometime to talk to me. How embarassing, I can't believe I did that.

I was so naive that I believed he would kept his word. He said "I will not marry her". He planned a runaway to another country so that he wouldn't marry his fiance. He booked the ticket, and asked me to come with him but he wouldn't pick me up here. He insisted that I come alone and he will meet me there. I couldn't think of it as the right thing to do, why he wouldn't come to pick me if he really needs me to be with him? So I told him that I will not come unless he picks me up.

It was when I asked him, "How can I believe that you will not leave me this time?". I remember he said that this time he will not do that again to me and will not make me hurt. Well here I am now, once again left broken hearted.

Finally, all I can do is keep my chin up and be strong to face this. There will be lonely days when I will miss him, but I should move on. I hope one day there will be an honest enough man who can keep his words to me.

To the one I have loved: "I wish you a happy marriage".... no I lied, "I wish you a hard to endure marriage"

If only you are brave enough to tell me that you should leave me this time, that is a thousand times better than vanishing like this. At least you could say that you are sorry, thus I could forgive you and wish you good things

Nothing You Confess Would Make Me Love You Less

What true love is? I believe that love is when there is nothing he confesses can make me love him less.
Yesterday I heard a shocking confession from him which I couldn't describe here in details. Those are his secrets which I would take to my death bed.
Long story short, his confession made me realize why Allah doesn't destined him to be mine. I'm sad to hear that from him, those times must be a hard time for him... but at the other hand I'm relieved. Now I can let him go, let him fly and hopefully he'll find peace in this life.
I don't hate you for what you confessed, but it did make me love you less. I just found out that my love for you wasn't that what I believe as true love.
Then I asked myself, "really?"

Lonely Bride

Where are you my knight?
Why am I standing here all alone?

Separated

This is a song by Usher. From my lost loves to me? If only they're this thoughtful :)
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Oh no, no, no, no

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

His Past is His Future

This entry was actually posted on Monday, August 31, 2009
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How do you feel when the one you love told you that you are the only
one he loves?
But another minute he gave you a devastating answer to your question.

I know I'm not the first to have a hold on his heart. Long ago before
me, she was there and she had all of him. He told me how they think
they were meant to be together and that they are made for each other.
He told me that she was all of his firsts... first love, first kiss,
first partner. He told me that moments spent with her were the best
times of his life. Now she's gone. I thought all those will remain as
memories and stay in the past but I was wrong.

Last night I asked him a question, "What if we both died and then we
meet her there? What are you going to do?". He replied, "I will choose
her but can't let you go".
My heart sank the second he said that he will choose her. It means he
still long for the day to be with her once again. It means that is the
ultimate future that he dreams of. His past is his future.

So what am I doing here? I think he doesn't love me that much, never
as much as he loved her. He doesn't need me, not as much as he needed her. I'm only worthy for the time being, for present when he can't be with her yet. Do I deserve this?

It hurts to know that the one I love will choose another woman over me.

Posted by Frita Amrita at 7:56 AM