Just Another Sad Story

My mind wandered to 28 June 2009, I got an email from him in which he wrote this one line that opened my heart "all things decided in heaven but happens on earth, that is the law of God".

We became good friends fast. We talked everyday, shared stories, and sometime he would call me and I got the chance to listen to his voice which I liked a lot. He sent me flower, doll, and some gifts to show that he cares. It didn't take much effort to get along with him, it seemed like we just understand each other and accept one another for who we are. He even didn't mind seeing me early in the morning when I just woke up with sleepy messy face, he said "it doesn't matter, let me see u". We shared a lot of things in common for example we both like slow romantic songs, we both believe in destiny, we both stubborn in the way that we don't care what people say about our relationship. They can say this was just for fun, they can say this was irrational, and they can say we better wake up and find someone real. However, we both ignored them. He would assure me that we can make it and he will be with me always.

Days went by and it was on the sixth month that he said he would come to visit me so that we can meet in person. Things didn't go well, he couldn't get his visa on time. You would have guessed what they said when he didn't come... yes they said "See what I told you, don't expect much from him. Better you find someone near". I shrugged it although I did feel sad. Then I waited another six months while he tried to get his visa again. This time our effort paid off, he got the visa with expiry date on October 2010. We both were so happy thinking that finally we will be able to see each other in person. He told me he wanted to go to his hometown before visiting me. I never thought that things could go wrong this time.

July 2010 passed by, then August, and September followed... still he didn't book his ticket to Jakarta. He would come up with his excuses, and the last one was that his father got sick which I think is true. But for me that is still an excuse. Why did he wait until the last days? Why didn't he come straight after he got his visa? I can get myself frustrated if I think about it, but the fact that he decided to not come can't be changed. I was devastated, this time he really blew away his last chance. I should come out and tell them all that they win and I lose.

I wasted another one year on a failed story... but a saying goes "every relationship is destined to be over except the one that isn't". I just need one that works out. So here I am closing another chapter of my love life, mending my heart for the next chapter. Wishing and hoping that the next story will be the one that works out.

Missing Him

Evening, I'm waiting for my bus to go home. This side of the road is full of workers who, like me, are waiting for their buses. Not usual, the street is jammed and the air is starting to fill with carbon. The sun is setting, making the sky darker bit by bit... My bus still hasn't shown up. It is kinda feel lonely to wait here alone.
It has been a week since he left for Pakistan, and we practically didn't chat since. He would text me everyday, sometime early in the afternoon, sometime late in the evening. Today he hasn't texted me, while I have been waiting since morning. Could he forget? Doesn't he miss me?
I really want to text him but I think I shouldn't, if he doesn't miss me then I better not make him thinks that I miss him. However, honestly I desperately miss him. How I wish he is here with me, accompanying me waiting for my bus. How can I say that I have a boyfriend if he is not here when I need him? Now the sky is getting darker and I'm feeling more lonely....

Last Update About Him

It will be my last post about him, as I have decided to let him live his own life.
After four months absent, three days ago he came in contact with me and told me that he has moved to another country with his wife to setup a business. He also told me that he is soon going to be a father and would like to name her 'Frita' if it is a daughter. He said he is very happy.
It was not easy to know he is going to be a father because it only means that he loves his wife and perfectly living his life... there's no more place for me. His words kept resounding in my head "I'm soon going to be a father"
Then I realized that I don't want to indulge myself in my fantasies about him anymore, I don't want to be the bad person who keeps a feeling for someone else's husband. It should be over here and now.
It took me three days to make up my mind, that is why I didn't write this earlier. However, I'm feeling better now and I have the courage to live my own life happily too.

Broken Vow

This is the song that very well pictures my relationship with him. It has been two and a half month since he is married to her but I still can't overcome this sadness.
Broken Vow by Lara Fabian
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Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
While I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end